Who Wins an Argument?

Dale Carnegie, author of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, said there’s no such thing as winning an argument. Why? Because as soon as you view a disagreement in terms of winning or losing, you’ve lost sight of the value of the relationship. The phrase ‘you’ve won the battle but you haven’t won the war’ illustrates our determination to prove ourselves right—unfortunately, what’s lost is often respect, and what’s gained is usually resentment. Carnegie notes that “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” Why? Because arguing doesn’t change opinions, it only makes us feel defensive.

It’s completely natural to go into defense mode when someone takes an opposing view on a topic that we care about or is our responsibility. Getting defensive often leads to trouble, so try to get curious instead. Find out why the other person feels the way they do. Look for a solution that can benefit everyone involved. Show others that you’re listening to what they’re saying, rather than planning your next attack while they’re talking.

Keeping an end goal in mind helps us work towards a solution rather than falling into an argument that derails a relationship. Focusing on a goal also helps us step outside of our emotions. Rational facts always trump irrational emotions while helping us stay open-minded.

As you explore perspectives other than your own, you can build a stronger desire for a positive resolution to the issue at hand. Seeing the other person as a teammate instead of an adversary helps build mutual respect and trust.

Successful leaders know that the only way to win an argument is to never have one. They choose to meet conflict head-on because they know something productive can be gained before things turn into a personal battle—or all-out war.

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